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January 5, 2010

10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Hey my awesome friends and clients. You all know that I have been blessed with a beautiful baby girl(her name is Bailee Rose). On July 3rd of 2009 my whole life changed when I held my little girl in my arms for the first time.

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There is nothing in the world that I wouldn’t do for my baby girl. I remember the first thing that I picked up was “Baby on board” sign for the back of the car.

I know I will be SUPER protective of her when it comes time for her to date. As a matter of fact I am already stressing about it and that’s why I wrote this blog post.

I even dusted off some of my old never seen before bodybuilding pictures for this post.

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TO ALL PARENTS I NEED YOUR HELP. CAN YOU PLEASE COMMENT AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS BLOG POST ABOUT HOW YOU PROTECT YOUR KIDS. I WOULD TRULY APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

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Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

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Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.

Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

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Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.

However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you.

Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

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Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.

Please do not do this.

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The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.

This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.

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Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.

If you make her cry, I will make you cry like a baby.

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Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.

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If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.

My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.

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Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

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Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

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Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.

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Places where there is darkness.

Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat.

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Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.

Hockey games are okay.

Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me.

I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.

But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.

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If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

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Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.

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When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.

As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.

Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside.

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The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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We hope you enjoyed this blog and had a good laugh!!!!  Lovely Wifey & I are have alot of fun being new parents!!

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Thank you for being part of our lives!!  We appreciate you all!!

Again as always having a blast bringing you my latest thoughts and inspirations.

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Comments on 10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter »

January 5, 2010

Michael Duivis @ 10:55 pm

Sam!

Happy New Year – hope you’re doing great.

That was an awesome post, I forwarded it to all my bootcamp clients.

Michael

Dr. Saman @ 11:10 pm

Thank you Michael. Happy New Year to you as well. I heard you are doing great things.
Much success to you in 2010 and beyond!!!!!

January 6, 2010

Ali Salamat @ 4:43 am

Hi Doctor,I agree with anything ,you said,hope fully ,she finds some one like her ,perfect dad,thank you for nice E-Mail.
Ali Salamat,
Sincerely,

Dr. Saman @ 6:10 am

Thank you so much Mr. Salamat for your kind words.

Lee McGroarty @ 9:00 am

Sam:

WIth 3 little girls of my own, I am in a lot of trouble in a few years. Your tips may really come in handy. Great post.

Dr. Saman @ 9:05 am

Hi Lee,
I know you are going to be in trouble with 3. I can’t even imagine that.

Yesenia Lopez @ 9:24 am

Thats awsome a daughter should always be close with her dad so she wont date jerks. Great job sam

Dr. Saman @ 9:31 pm

Thank you Yesenia.

Joe Nocella @ 9:34 am

As the father of five daughters I have one simple suggestion. Put the shotgun in the corner next to the front door. When the young man comes to pick up your daughter make sure he notices it. If he asks what it is for simply tell him “you don’t want to find out but it keeps my daughter safe”. Let him draw his own conclusions!

Dr. Saman @ 9:32 pm

I WILL DO THAT. GREAT IDEA JOE

Brandy Larsen @ 9:37 am

I have 1 daughter and 2 teenage step-daughters my number one suggestions…..ALWAYS MONITOR internet and text message activity. She may get mad but oh well, your big daddy right!!!

Dr. Saman @ 9:35 pm

Brandy,
When my daughter is old enough to have a phone it will only allow to dial 3 numbers.
1) Dad
2) Mom
3) 911

your mother @ 9:47 am

Truly Truly, you are my Dad grand son, when we were teenager, if some one
look at us he was in trouble, if we want go to party our driver took us and he waited in the street, to pickup us, one time we asked dad can we have some party at our house, 6 months took, and he said yes, rules was : light should stay on, no drinks or smoke, we said yes, we had party, every body having good time, suddenly my Dad showed up, and tell every one party is over
because some one was turn off light, without knowing my Dad’s rule, good luck Son
,

Dr. Saman @ 9:36 pm

Hi Mom,

I heard about grandpa specially with his first girl my aunt Sheila.

Luke Wold @ 10:04 am

I was driving my 14 year-old home from Volleyball Practice last night and some little dweed texted her and asked for a “sexy picture for her caller ID.”

She sent a picture of me glaring and making a fist.

And hasn’t heard back from him yet.

~ Luke

PS – Look at those pics, man. You’re a beast!

terry @ 10:24 am

that was a very funny be sweet email. she is really blessed to have parents like the both of you. i have know doubt that you all will do a wonderful job in raising her. you are already setting the ground rules of what will be expected of any young man.

take care,
terry

Dr. Saman @ 9:37 pm

Thank you Terry. I will do my best.

Chris McCombs @ 11:56 am

Sammmmmmmmm!!!!

This post rocks, love it, love it, love it

I know EXACTLY how you feel bro

Dr. Saman @ 9:39 pm

Chris,
you don’t know how much your compliment means to me. You are the person that’s responsible
for teaching me all this blogging stuff. You are also a role model for being a great dad.
You have a beautiful family.

Jim Wray @ 12:45 pm

Sam this is the perfect mentality to have. I don’t have any daughters but I do feel that I would have atleast these standpoints especially the one where its states “If you make my little girl cry, I will make you cry.”

Dr. Saman @ 9:42 pm

Jim,

I am so glad you feel the same way.

Gisela @ 2:01 pm

Give her an older brother and teach him to protect her.

Dr. Saman @ 9:43 pm

Too late Gisela but trying to give her a younger one.

Carrie @ 2:50 pm

Love Rule Number 4!
You should print it on a t-shirt and wear it the first time he picks her up.
Your Rule 9 practice target should also be promintely displayed 🙂

As for Rule Number 7 – while it is true that something worth having is something worth waiting for you need to teach your daughter to the importance of being on time. And that goes both ways she should never be left waiting. Maybe you can replace this rule with one of my guys favorite: “If you can lift more than me than you can take her out.” (She should be safe for a while.)

It’s never too soon to plan for those days – they will be here sooner than you’d like..

Congratulations to all of you!

Dr. Saman @ 9:44 pm

Carrie,
I LOVE YOUR RULE. GREAT IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mina @ 3:03 pm

I love these rules, I wish every father would follow these rules until their daughters are eighteen years old, than todays world would be so safe for these young ladies.

Dr. Saman @ 9:45 pm

Thank you for enjoying Mina.

Natalie Rodriguez @ 3:25 pm

That was great, showed it to the Hubby and he said Right On!

Dr. Saman @ 9:45 pm

Thanks Natalie

g @ 6:31 pm

This was priceless, enjoyed it and had a chuckle, thanks for the levity. g

Dr. Saman @ 9:46 pm

I am glad to make you smile g.

meg yacawych @ 6:59 pm

Hey Sam: That is actually how I raised my girls by myself I might add + I got BA degree and worked. Be vigilant Sam and don’t give in to popular trends in dress or other behaviors. Promiscuity was wrong in the fifties and it is still wrong. Call other parents and go to their homes to see how they live before your child (your beautiful gift) is allowed over. Don’t give in and don’t give up.As silly as the surface of your email was, it has truisms throughout. Regards ***

Dr. Saman @ 9:47 pm

Wow Meg, I have a lot of respect for you as a single mom

Alejandra Font @ 9:29 pm

Love it!! 😉

Dr. Saman @ 9:49 pm

Thank you Alejandra. I love you guys. As always give my best to your husband Luis.
I can’t wait for the English version of his book.

Nikki Rances @ 11:54 pm

Sam, I saw you earlier today at the gym and I hadn’t read your blog yet. I came home, checked my emails and I gotta say…I was waiting for this blog. I knew you were crazy but this is just too good. You are such a fool. 🙂 I had a great time reading your crazy blog. I got your back, I just think you’re a little nutty. Seeing you talk about your daughter..you really light up. I am glad you and your wife are having such a great time with her. 🙂 Stay up!

January 7, 2010

houyda mertaban @ 9:35 am

i think thats the most beautiful things that a father talk about his 6 month old girl,God protect her and keep her safe.

Dr. Saman @ 9:56 am

Houyda,

You are much too kind. I am looking forward working with
you to get you in the best shape possible.

Jemand @ 12:52 pm

Wow!! This is my third time reading this post.. I love the rules brother, I couldn’t stop laughing. By the time I got to rule number 10, I was on the floor.. Lol.. I don’t have a little girl yet, but when I do, I’ll probably ask to borrow that shotgun.. Till then, make sure you keep it clean.

P.S. Those pics are no joke! I gotta look like that for my next show.

Dr. Saman @ 3:10 pm

Jemand,
Thanks for enjoying this post. Thank you for your support

Gabriela @ 11:45 pm

Well Doc we all have issues…Thank you for the laugh. I love the rules, sound much like my dad’s. My advice is to teach your daughter to make good choices for herself and to respect herself. The rest will fall into place as she already has a head start with to educated and loving parents who put her interests first. See you soon.
Gabriela

January 8, 2010

Dr. Saman @ 12:08 pm

Gabriela,

That’s some great advice. Will definitely follow. Thank you.

Suzanna @ 1:48 am

This post is GREAT! I have a 4 yr old son and I am just as worried about him as you are about your lil’ one. As a matter of fact, there’s a lil’ girl who already goes out of her way to say BYE to him every day after school. My heart sinks just at the thought of him getting married and moving out of the house, let alone going on a date! Thanks for sharing your ‘rules’!

Dr. Saman @ 12:07 pm

Suzanna,
I am glad I am not alone feeling that way. Thanks for sharing

Evelyn @ 12:03 pm

Absolutly the best BLOG I’ve seen yet!! Anyone with children totally would agree your statements. I have two boys and its’ amazing how girls can be too…But with a beautiful baby girl like yours those boys better watch out!

Dr. Saman @ 12:06 pm

Thank you Evelyn. I appreciate your compliment.

April 26, 2010

Jason Ferruggia @ 6:30 am

Sam,
Awesome post, man. Had me laughing the whole time.

Dr. Saman @ 8:46 am

Thanks Jason,

I might need some help from you and all the big hard core guys at your gym. Thanks for reading my post. It’s an honor.

May 24, 2010

Leon @ 11:08 am

I love it bro and if you need me i’m here.they’ll be sorry they looked her way

Dr. Saman @ 2:56 pm

Thanks Big Dogg,
I know you got my back. lol Always good to have huge friends like you.
Much love and respect

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